I'm not sure that friend is the right word but that line from Simon & Garfunkel seemed appropriate. When I was little we lived in an old stone cottage. In an alcove in the hallway stood a big solid austerity wardrobe where my mum kept her rarely worn posh going out clothes. It was dark in there and I hurried past it because I knew that behind the wardrobe was a tunnel where undefined monsters lived. They had only one aim, which was to get me. I didn't know what they would do to me but I knew it wouldn't be nice. I believed that my mum was trying to protect me, but my dad was in an alliance with them.
I once confided in my big brother about this, then immediately regretted it as he, unsurprisingly, scorned me for believing in bogeymen.
We moved from that house when I was 13. By then, of course, I no longer held that belief, but I still preferred not to linger in the hall.
Since then the bogey that has threatened my well being has had a name, Depression. It has grabbed me and dragged me into it's lair halfway through each decade. The last time it got me right inside the tunnel, so that I thought I would never get out, was the mid 1990s. That was 30 years ago. The bogey has grabbed me since, but I have learned ways of fighting it off. Writing about it is one of them.
I started to feel it's claws in me last week. I started to feel increasingly gloomy . Yesterday I woke up and felt totally powerless. In my normal life I work hard to make changes for the good. My focus is on trying to use whatever skills I have to make the world a little bit better and a little bit more likely to survive for future generations. Some may think that silly selflessness, do gooderism, denying myself the enjoyment of the many things that are available to consume. in our brave new world. Some might think I would do well to jet off to Thailand or somewhere, at the expense of the next generation, and have a good time. In fact, I find what most people see as a good time just boring. I enjoy my life, except when the bogeys get me.
When this feeling comes on me I feel like everything I do is a waste of time, but what else would I do? Everything is futile! Nobody understands. What's the point?
I start to go on about the curse of Cassandra. Cassandra's curse, in Greek mythology, was that she had the gift of true prophecy, but nobody would believe her. In 1973 I learned about the greenhouse effect and the Limits to Growth report. I decided to live more simply as a result. I sort of hoped that everyone else would catch on, but the promise of infinite happiness in the never never future through more and more consumer goodies was too powerful for most people. Many still attack viciously those who point out our real parlous situation, such as the brave young Greta Thunberg.
50 years after learning about these things we are on the edge of global tipping points. If we go over them our planet will be plunged into an unliveable hothouse. The billionaires who are driving our suicidal economies are digging themselves survival bunkers in the Arctic.
My big dilemma has been, where do I go from here. My life's work has been saving a collection of wooden boats and trying to put them to work on jobs that are in some way good for the Earth and/or people's well being. Now I wonder if I should give that up and concentrate on trying to save the planet. There will be no use for old wooden boats, lovely as they are, if we collectively go over a tipping point. Perhaps I should get political and campaign to keep the oil fueled loonies of the Right out of power.
I'm not a natural campaigner, more of a digger and knocker together of bits of wood, so I'll probably carry on as I am, despairing of the stupidity that seems to be ruling the world at the moment.
I think a lot of people who feel as I do deal with it by consuming alcohol or drugs. I can see how tempting it must be to imbibe a substance that takes away the despair, even on a temporary basis. I'm lucky that I've never had that temptation get hold of me. I find it hard to spend time with addicts as they seem like people who have just given up on life. On the other hand, genuinely recovered addicts are often inspiring. However, I have used a little pill that helps to keep the bogeys away, St John's Wort. A herbal compound that helps to stave off depression.I now have a problem. A side effect of St Johns Wort is to thin the blood. Now I've had a stroke I'm prescribed blood thinning medication, so I can't take my worts lest my blood becomes too watery.
I'm wondering if that's the reason for my current low mood.